Side Effects
by pagerunner
Summary: The Normandy's at the Citadel, and Shepard's crew is taking a much-needed day of shore leave. A little Mass Effect 1-era peek into what your crew's up to with each other when you're not around... Takes place during the first game, before Virmire.


_Citadel Docking Bay, 14:12: aboard the SSV Normandy, medical room_

The Normandy was a remarkably quiet ship, but to Kaidan's ears, total silence was rare. The sounds of the crew at work, beeps and whirs from onboard equipment, even the low thrum of energy from the engine - given the element zero core, it tickled his senses in ways non-biotics wouldn't feel - seldom faded away. But in this room alone, quiet reigned. The engines were still, the party was largely ashore, Dr. Chakwas had left him to rest, and even the lights were mercifully dim, giving him space.

None of it stopped the roaring in his head. Ironically, some of the usual white noise would have helped.

He was beginning to understand, in the more lucid moments between the migraine's pain spikes, how Shepard must have felt after seeing the message in the beacon. It wasn't just about the headache. Add to that the feeling that you knew something was out there, something huge, but you couldn't put your finger on what it was, and it was enough to drive you mad - yeah, that just felt _fabulous._ Kaidan wished for a long, irrational moment that the commander could be here now, but then he shoved it aside and tried to think of his old relaxation exercises. _Counting sheep isn't gonna cut it, Alenko,_ he thought. _Just focus on something calm. And for God's sake, don't think of what's coming..._

Kaidan put one hand to his eyes, tried to breathe steadily, and failed in the attempt when the _shush_ of an opening door startled him alert.

"Hey, L.T.," said a familiar voice. "How's the head?"

"Unh," Kaidan said, not terribly intelligently. He thumped back down after glimpsing Ashley's backlit silhouette. She was, at least, not one of the approaching forces he had to worry about. "Think that crackpot Dr. Saleon could grow me a new brain?"

"Nah. I like the one you have."

"Then you and I can trade."

Ashley laughed and crossed the floor. The door snicked shut behind her. "Seriously, though."

Kaidan thought about it, then opened his eyes. The room slowly resolved itself. Ashley, dressed down for once, was perched on the edge of the neighboring cot, looking like a study in contrasts: dark clothes against stark white, and a sympathetic smile against the med bay's clinical emptiness. Instead of being jarring, she came as a relief. "I'm getting there," he said.

Ashley looked pleased. "Good. I need you watching my back on our next stop. Not... you know, hallucinating in purple and throwing up on the floor."

"It was not _purple._"

"Normal people," Ashley said lightly, "would defend against 'hallucinating' first."

For a minute, Kaidan wished he was on an ordinary bed. He would have thrown a pillow at her.

"Anyway," Ashley said, blithely ignoring his glare, "Shepard's stuck in a meeting with Udina, and brought Garrus and Liara along - hell of an entourage that makes. Blue winces every time Udina opens his mouth. Anyway, we're free for the time being. I was hoping to get you down to the Wards."

The thought of those crowds just now was slightly appalling. He went for a stalling tactic. "Where are the others?"

"Well, Wrex and Tali went on a requisition run..."

"Equipment?"

"No, food. Sounds like the Alliance fare isn't good enough for the aliens."

She sounded, in her usual way, to be slightly offended. Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut as a low throb pulsed at the back of his skull, then he sighed and tried to smooth it over. "They _do_ have totally different biologies. They have different dietary needs. Besides, look on the bright side. Maybe they'll find something interesting to eat for a change."

"Uh, I don't think I want whatever Wrex is having." Ashley made a comic grimace. "I'd say he likes his meat still mooing, but I'm not sure whatever it is he eats _moos_, exactly."

"Maybe it's one of those things we found that steals money. Maybe we'll get _back_ our money."

"Yeah, and for all we know, it ate the money. If you want to dig around in the intestines for it, feel free."

"You're not," he said, "doing a good job of making me feel any less nauseous."

Ashley smiled and helped him sit up. The room swam briefly, then settled. Her hand lingered, too, feeling warm where it rested between his shoulder blades. He put both palms flat on the cot for balance. "Gotta tell you," he warned her, "I might not be the world's best company right now."

She looked concerned. "I thought the headaches were getting better."

"They are, believe it or not. Six months ago, I'd still be flat on my back and moaning."

He didn't realize what that sounded like until it was out of his mouth. Ashley grinned mercilessly even while he groaned.

"Doesn't sound like the worst problem to have when you put it like _that_, L.T.," she said.

Her laugh came easily, but he wasn't the only one to have misspoken; it was the title that made them both pause. Ashley's hand was still resting on his back, but it had gone very still. When Kaidan coughed delicately, she moved it aside. To his surprise, he regretted the loss.

"Not to worry," she said, while he tried to re-center himself. "I'm sure neither of us want to start breaking _that_ particular reg just now."

The issue of Commander Shepard floated between them, conspicuous but unspoken. Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose, then took in a breath and looked nowhere in particular. "I have got to get off this damn bed."

Ash helped him up, keeping her grip firm and as clinical as possible this time. "You okay, then, L.T.?"

"Fine, yeah."

He was lying, a bit, but either Ashley didn't notice or was willing to play along. The latter wasn't entirely reassuring. The lie in her voice about breaking regulations had been obvious, whether she realized it or not. He wasn't even sure what confessions he'd stumble into himself, if pressed too hard. There were too many things unspoken here, and in a room this blasted _quiet_, he could hear every single one.

They both stood still for a moment, entirely too close in the dim, silent room.

"So," Ashley said, her voice forced bright. "Want to get going?"

Kaidan saw the escape route and leapt on it. "Lead on, Chief."

She did without argument, chatting enthusiastically now about the restaurants she'd heard of and that new club with the quasar tables, and Kaidan stuck close by, consigning his tangled thoughts to the haze at the back of his head. When the airlock opened, the whole of the outside world finally crashed in. Light and noise and color all returned in force, and Kaidan, for just a moment, winced at the onslaught. But he had to admit that given the alternative, the confusion suddenly felt good. At least it was something _vital,_ instead of phantom pain and the even more phantom-like threat on the horizon. He couldn't face that without something else to hold onto.

_She's right,_ Kaidan thought, as they stepped into the elevator. _A little companionship would help._

Besides, if his steps wavered a little too close to hers on the way down, at least he could claim he had the headache to blame.

...

_The Wards, 14:20: in the Lower Markets_

"_Ho there,_ my spacefaring friends! Stock up before you travel! Sea calf! _Michgir!_ Grasseater tongues for sale!"

"Rare seafood, straight from Patavig! Best bladefins you've ever tasted!"

"The finest _korvairre_ from the whole of Argos Rho-"

"-and what," asked Tali, "is _that?_"

Wrex stopped. They were staring at something vaguely oblong, pinkish-brown in hue and pulsing slightly. For a living being, it seemed strangely gelatinous. Wrex took one glance and merely grunted. Tali gave it a long, skeptical look. The unidentified object, perhaps aware of the scrutiny, squished.

"Very tasty!" said the attending merchant, who looked as though he was doing his utmost to smile despite the smell. "Some species consider it a delicacy!"

"Some species," Wrex replied, "will eat their own shit."

"Hehh." The young salarian ventured a laugh, but it came out nervously. "Er, if that's what - well, that is, we don't... sell..."

Wrex glared. The merchant quavered. Tali, suppressing her own commentary, put one hand up to forestall them both. "Although I'm sure the Flotilla would consider this a... fascinating scientific curiosity, we only have so many credits to spare." She looked slantwise at Wrex. "Perhaps we should try the next booth."

"Well. Ahem. Certainly. Your loss!" said the merchant, who looked at once put out, relieved that they were leaving, and sorry to be stuck with what they hadn't taken off his hands. As Tali departed, she heard a long, sputtering noise from the table, as if the thing itself was giving them a raspberry as good riddance. It took all her efforts not to burst out laughing.

Of all the missions Tali expected to take when joining the crew of the Normandy, supply runs were not exactly among them. She had to admit, though, as she and Wrex surveyed the items for sale, that it had its charms. After all, she'd volunteered herself for it this time. Usually the junior members of the crew were tasked with requisitions, but Commander Shepard had noticed that including Wrex in any bargaining party tended to drive prices down by steep amounts, if he didn't scare the sellers off first. Tali enjoyed watching them scramble.

Besides, she _loved_ places like this. So many fascinating and bizarre things, so many fascinating and bizarre _people_... Tali had never dreamed any of this up when she'd been home in the Flotilla, and she'd dreamed up quite a lot. Some small part of her wondered still if she'd stumble across the code for the virus she'd once imagined would obliterate the geth, maybe on an OSD tucked away in a corner shop between the spices and the latest in asari jewel-setting. In these sorts of places, you never knew.

Not that she'd ever get through telling her father she fulfilled her pilgrimage at Honest Hmeran's with a straight face.

Tali pushed the reverie aside. They'd found the turian food dealer - Wrex, uninterested, left her to the bargaining, and she put in for more than Garrus had requested, just in case - and then meandered down another corridor. "That's more like it," Wrex said, as they approached a mercifully mundane collection of foodstuffs. Mundane, at least, for the shamelessly carnivorous. "Anything but the palgir livers - those give me gas."

"I'm not entirely sure I needed the details," Tali said dryly.

He snorted. "You'll appreciate the advice later."

"Excuse me," Tali said to the vendor, mostly to curtail the conversation. She waved one finger at the display. "How much per measure?"

The man behind the counter, another salarian, looked somewhat wary, but his merchant's instincts were winning out. "Certainly. Pleased to help you. 40 per, on that lot."

"Forty?" Wrex repeated. Even for him, he looked unimpressed. "Stringy as wet hair and just as tasty - it's worth maybe six."

"I can offer you better! Prime cut, this..." The salarian pointed out something else in the refrigerated case. "So rich, one bite will feed you for a week. And because you're clearly a discerning customer, I'll give you a discount. Thirty per, and worth twice as much."

Wrex set his fist down atop the case, rattling the glass. His fingers were curled loosely, just enough to suggest the diameter of the salarian's neck. Tali rolled her eyes. "You expect me to cough up more than twenty for that slop?"

"You'll have to excuse my friend," said Tali. "He gets... cranky when he's hungry."

"Yeeesss... don't we all." The man made a valiant effort. "Twenty-five?"

"Twenty-two," said Tali, and the salarian, staring at Wrex's hand - he'd begun drumming his fingers on the glass instead, making dire echoes - nodded a concession. "Twelve units, then," she said, "and have them delivered to our ship."

"Of course, of course... and which one would that be?"

Tali realized as she said it that it felt like a point of pride: "The Normandy."

"The Normandy! Ah, yes. Very well." He gestured to his assistants to take care of it. They brought out their crates in a hurry. Wrex stepped away, satisfied, and Tali was about to follow when the merchant made one more pitch. "We don't often get quarians in the market, but I'll bet I've got just the thing- I can toss it in with the lot, if you like. No charge."

That long-ago childhood image popped into Tali's head again: _a cure for what ails us. The end to our troubles. Just the thing: fixing our greatest mistake._ She smiled thinly, aware the salarian probably couldn't even see it. "No, thank you," she said. "I'm all set."

She set off before the merchant could say anything else. Wrex soon matched pace beside her, saying nothing while she pretended interest in what they were walking past. The corridors had become suddenly noisy. "You know, I did wonder," he began, letting the sentence hang. Tali quirked a look at him.

"What?"

"How do your sort eat, anyway?"

She sniffed behind her visor. "The same way as everyone else."

"That rig can't make it any easier," he said, gesturing at her armor. Tali took in a wistful breath and shrugged her concession.

"At home in the Flotilla, we eat what we like, so long as it's dextro-protein compatible," she said. "When it's unsafe to remove the apparatus, we use a nutrient-fortified liquid diet. The tube runs into my helmet."

He gave her the same skeptical look she'd given the questionable creature earlier. "And what about the... end product?"

"Funny; you were perfectly capable of talking about shit before."

"Just answer the question."

"There's a small retainment tank," she said, beginning to enjoy his expression. "I deal with it as necessary. And in fact, I've been told that _some_ species" - she dwelt on the word, letting him imagine whatever he chose - "suffer quite violent reactions if I detach the tube and use it for a toxic spray."

Wrex made a face. "I'm not sure I needed to know all the details, either."

Tali laughed properly then, and turned him toward the staircase. "Fine, then," she said, watching the display of life all around her - the very life and variety and even squelchy absurdity they were working to save. She felt at home again. "Back to work?"

"Only if you can't figure out a way to filter some alcohol through those tubes of yours first."

She heard the strains of music from Flux up ahead, and grinned. "Oh, I think a little quarian ingenuity might be up to the task..."

...

_The Wards, 15:51: Flux, upper level_

Garrus had been both surprised and not to learn that Joker didn't drink, and not surprised at all that he'd declined venturing into this crowd. Sharp reflexes, after all, were his stock in trade, and they wouldn't be helped by either muddled thoughts or stomped-on feet. Still, as Garrus returned to his seat with the latest round of drinks, he wished their pilot was along. He could only imagine how much fun Joker would be having with commentating on these proceedings.

For starters, there was Liara.

"I think I'm _seeing_ things," she said, her eyes gone so huge that she most likely was. The drink he'd bought for her teetered dangerously in her hand. "Is that _Wrex_ on the dance floor?"

Garrus chuckled. "Oh, I'm quite certain it's-" He followed her gaze over the railing. A few seconds later, he was forced to revise his opinion. "Oh." He paused. "That would explain the wide berth everyone's giving."

Liara bent closer, looking like she was studying a particularly bizarre specimen. "Just how much do you suppose he's consumed?"

"Given his constitution, I would suspect the entire bar."

Liara, awed, didn't even reply. Garrus spotted Doran, who seemed to be doing his best to shoo disgruntled dancers upstairs to the quasar tables or off for more drinks until the disruption concluded. Wrex, meanwhile, was calling encouragement to the only other dancer on the floor. Her helmet and suit were unmistakable. "Well," Garrus said, allowing himself a moment of appreciation. "She's certainly... limber."

"Huh," said a voice behind them, slightly arch. "Didn't think you'd go for the interspecies thing."

It was Ashley, looking like she'd been enjoying herself for a while. She had Kaidan in tow, who'd exchanged that morning's greenish tint for a slight three-drinks-in flush. Garrus leaned back. He'd gotten good at evaluating his shipmates' composure, for several reasons. For one thing, it helped modulate his approach to conversation. Ashley, when drunk, got a little testy. "Not me personally," he said. "Sometimes, however, it pays to be flexible."

"Pfft." Ash plunked into a chair beside Liara, who'd been sipping delicately until the sudden move made her splash. "Humans are plenty good for me, thanks very much. No offense, but you'd give 'sandpaper skin' a whole new definition."

Garrus held up both hands and let that one pass.

"So," Kaidan said, giving the impression that he'd change the subject if it required three tons of explosives to move it. "How was the meeting with the Ambassador?"

"As expected," Garrus replied, with no enthusiasm. "Udina isn't one I'd call flexible, in any sense of the word. In fact, I think-"

They were interrupted by a catcall from the floor below. Wrex had at last retired to a chair, one that groaned under his weight, so he could watch as Tali put her suit's much-vaunted stretchable fabric through its paces. By now, he was getting joined by an appreciative crowd.

"I think that covers _all_ senses of the word," Kaidan said under his breath. Ashley elbowed him.

"As I was saying," Garrus continued, "Shepard was right to pack it in early. These political debates are useless. We're better off continuing this mission _without_ outside interference."

"Speaking of - where is our fine commander right about now?"

"Conferring with Captain Anderson," Garrus told Kaidan, diplomatically ignoring the tilt to his voice on _fine_. "We've been told to rendezvous back at the ship by 18:00."

Ashley looked disappointed at that, but covered it with a smirk. "What? Shep's not secretly off with the Consort again? Come on, you can tell us."

Liara turned a notable shade of cerulean. Garrus masked his own expression behind his glass. "I'm sure I couldn't say."

"Spoilsport," Ashley muttered.

Below them was another round of cheers. Liara didn't look to see why; she just cleared her throat and stood up. "I am sorry; I may also sound like a... spoilsport, but I believe I should be going."

"Oh... you sure you don't want your turn on the dance floor?" Kaidan grinned. "You could probably show up anyone in the building."

She looked both intrigued and alarmed at the thought. "I - don't imagine I..."

This was, Garrus thought, a woman in need of a rescue. Ironic, considering he'd been watching her lob geth off bridges with barely a thought twenty-four hours ago. "If you're returning, I'll walk you back," he said. "I have some business back at the ship."

She looked immediately relieved. "As do I. Thank you."

Ashley sniffed; Kaidan shrugged but waved her a friendly goodbye. Garrus nearly had to hurry to catch up with her on the way to the stairs. "Sorry if this was a bad suggestion," he said.

"Oh, no, not to worry. Everyone was coming here, so..."

She glanced over toward the dance floor. Garrus realized her eyes were tracking Tali's movements, watching the athletic young woman in action. Tali had been joined by several other dancers now, none of them bothered by the unusual guest in their midst, some of them looking a little curious as to what was under the mask - especially if she could pull _that_ move off. Pity they'd never find out.

Liara, Garrus thought, simply looked envious of the crowd at large. Whether she'd planned it or not, her hips had tilted, and the shift of her shoulders was definitely in time with the beat.

"You'd dance, too, wouldn't you," he said quietly. Liara shot a look at him, her eyes still wide. "With the right person."

There was a long pause. "Perhaps," she said.

Garrus could guess what she meant. He heaved a sigh, reserved a few thoughts for scientists who thought about _everything_ too hard, and steered her past the bouncer and to the door. It was there, though, that she surprised him.

"Would you?" she said.

Garrus' eyes widened. "Sorry?"

She immediately backed down. "Oh, just a silly question. But - I never studied much about your people, I'm afraid. I've spent too long in ruins to have much idea of the living cultures around me." She looked somewhat regretful. "I suppose you have great musicians and artists - even a military society must..."

Garrus looked back at the writhing bodies on the dance floor, heard the pounding music all around them, and made a wry sound. "Not many dancers, I'm afraid. But - artists. Yes. Great poets."

"I wonder who will write the tale of what we're doing now," she murmured.

"Hah. Not me, I hope."

"But who better to do it?" Liara said, her voice quizzical. "You notice everything."

He laughed dismissively, trying to wave her off - she'd noticed Wrex first, after all - but her answering smile was knowing enough to give him pause. There was a strange resonance to the moment before another _whoop_ from the dance floor interrupted them. Garrus turned to see what had happened, and saw Tali trading moves with, of all people, Doran. He snorted out a laugh. He'd wondered at the start what Joker would have to say about all this, but he knew what _he'd_ put down, given the chance.

"Some things," he said at last, "are best left uncommitted to verse."

This time when they turned to leave, Liara was finally laughing.

...

_Citadel Docking Bay, 16:20: aboard the SSV Normandy, in the officers' mess_

"Oh, God," Joker groaned. "I am not seeing this. Tell me you didn't just..."

Private Fredericks grinned. "Five-queen sweep with a prime-card sider. Read 'em and _weep._"

He splayed the cards across the table, the abstract designs on their round faces proclaiming the inevitable. Adams and Michaelson shook their heads, impressed. Joker just flung up his hands.

"Whatever happened to regular old poker?" he said, while Fredericks pulled the chips over to his side of the table and held out one hand. "I'm good at poker. I am _fantastic_ at poker."

"Yeah, but it looks like there's a few things in this universe you aren't so good at after all, hotshot," Fredericks said. "Pay up."

Joker grumbled, but slapped the credit chip into the man's hand. Fredericks snickered to himself while the others got up from the table. He was, however, interrupted in his chair-bound victory dance by someone else's hand clapping his shoulder.

"A word of advice, young man," Garrus said. "A little saying I picked up from your folk, in fact: don't piss off the designated driver."

Joker snorted out a laugh. Fredericks, still intimidated by the aliens in any case, gulped. "Um. I..."

"If you intend to spend any of your ill-gotten gains," Joker added, "better do it quick. And hope I haven't locked the door behind you. I get a little... forgetful about that sort of thing sometimes."

Fredericks scooted back and rose. "I'll buy ya something, then! Safe passage back in, right?"

Joker gave him a look that fell somewhere between _we'll see_ and _if you're really, _really_ lucky._ "Get out of here," was what he said aloud, waving him off. Garrus took the private's vacated seat with a chuckle.

"I take it the crew took well to learning _sénolen_?" Garrus said. He'd plucked up several cards from the table and was idly arranging them in his three-fingered grip. Joker heaved a sigh.

"Apparently."

"You know," Garrus said, "I've heard it said that the cards were once used for divination, by a strange asari cult..."

"Huh. Like a tarot?"

Joker couldn't tell if Garrus recognized the reference, but the description he gave was accurate enough. "The queen cards were originally matriarchs, matched to the elemental forces. The prime cards were important symbols from myths and dream interpretations. Mix and match and get a wise woman to read it" - he displayed his hand, now comprising the air court and three primes - "and there was your future. Supposedly."

"Any guess what my hand would mean, then?" Joker said, pointing at the useless collection spread out before him. Garrus set his cards down, gave it a look, then lifted his head.

"Poverty."

Joker groaned. "Oh, hilarious. You should take that act on the road! _Really._ Any time now."

Garrus smirked. Joker just reached for his crutches and said, "I'll be _upstairs._"

"Enjoy," said Garrus, as Joker made his careful ascent back to the bridge.

He felt better instantly under the light of the ship's controls. The Normandy, unorthodox as she was, felt more comfortable than any place he'd ever been, enough so that he even walked easier here, held his head a little higher. This was _his_ ship - and he perhaps hers - in a way he hadn't quite expected to get out of any so-called machine. Joker was still occasionally surprised at what she could do, but mostly now, the ship was as familiar as, and a hell of a lot more reliable than, his own body.

Which was why running into Liara on the way to his seat came as such a surprise.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, hurrying to get out of his way. They'd almost literally collided, in fact, and she was seemingly doing her best now to flatten herself against the wall, or perhaps just break down into her component atoms and disperse. "I'm sorry, I was distracted."

He stared at her. "And you're poking around the controls of the most top-secret ship in the Alliance fleet because...?"

She waved her hands. "That's not at all what I meant. I should have spoken to Navigator Pressly, but scientific curiosity... well." She paused. "I haven't touched anything."

"Good thing, too, or Fredericks might've stepped out the airlock and into an unexpected black hole. Not that he wouldn't have _deserved_ it..." Joker gave the board a quick scan out of habit, but everything was still secured and dormant. He gestured a cool-down at Liara. "Don't worry, Dr. T'soni. You couldn't have done anything rash up here even if you'd tried. Just pulling your leg."

"Pulling my... You do have interesting idioms."

"Yeah, yeah. We're the darlings of the known universe for it." Joker stowed his crutches, slid into the pilot's seat and sighed in reflexive satisfaction. "Never underestimate those wacky humans; they're mostly unintelligible but oh, so amusing."

Liara smiled to herself. "It could be worse. Compared to decades of deciphering scraps of ancient Prothean, your slang is - what was that term I heard once? A cakewalk?"

"Exactly."

"That one did puzzle me, I admit. I'm not sure what's so simple about stomping through cakes. Especially if you have to go through all the effort of baking them first." She paused again. "What?"

He was laughing. Joker collected himself and said, "Sometimes you're a little too literal about these things, Li."

He was setting to business already, but he could hear her musing that one over. "Li," she repeated. "I'm not sure I can remember the last time anyone gave me a nickname... but of course," she went on, more wryly this time, "it's not often anyone else is around to call me _anything._"

"You," he said, "need to get out more."

Her expression managed to span "yeah, yeah, I know" and self-deprecation all at once. What she said aloud was, "Well, this mission would certainly qualify. But I never expected the venture to be like _this._" She slid into the seat beside Joker. He arched an eyebrow, but didn't stop her. "Battle was the last thing I anticipated. I'd trained in self-defense, but as a field scientist I'd never..."

She let that trail off. He stepped in. "Word is you're impressive. I don't know too many people with biotic skills like yours. 'xcept for the lieutenant, that is, and judging from his migraines this morning, it's still not all rainbows and fluffy bunnies yet."

"It's a shame," she said. "I wish there was something I could do for him."

Joker let that one hang in suggestive silence. Liara turned alarmed. "Oh, no, I mean - not like _that_..."

He chuckled. "Liara, _relax._ If you were going to turn into a walking stereotype on us, we'd have noticed already."

"I think he has his eye on someone else, anyway," she murmured. Joker couldn't tell if she'd meant for him to hear it or not. His eyebrows lifted, but he kept his mouth shut and pretended interest in the ship diagnostics.

"Sometimes it seems strange," she went on. "Everyone is so concerned with the rules and regulations on how we interact, but with our hearts in such a tangle, how _can_ we work effectively?"

The systems reports scrolled past, all reading contented little _normal_s on the status line. Joker drummed his fingers, playing along. "That's a good question..."

"I'd think forming devoted bonds could be beneficial in one's work. Goddess knows there were times I wished for a partner."

He shrugged. "Yeah, but still. Imagine what happens in disputes. Or if someone gets hurt in battle, or worse. You want to talk about emotions getting tangled?"

She sighed. "Of course. It seems in war there is no good solution."

"Some people would take the first three and the fifth words out of that sentence." Joker sighed, too, and looked up. "But it gave me the only thing that's ever made me happy, so what do I know."

Liara contemplated the Normandy's controls along with him. It was a long while before either of them spoke again. Finally Liara ventured, with some hesitancy, "The _only_ thing?"

"Well...there's always watching naked mud wrestling. That's fun."

Liara gave him an incredulous look, but now there was a smile tugging at her lips, like she was finally in on the joke.

"Or there's that perfect little sound of frustration you hear right before cutting the Council out of communications," he went on. "That's pure joy, right there."

Liara shook her head, smiling. "And what is there for you that _doesn't_ involve sarcasm?"

"I could ask you the same thing. Not that you're usually sarcastic, but... the point stands."

She thought about it. "New discoveries," she said at last. "Solving mysteries. That moment of perfect solitude when the sun crests over the horizon on an unexplored world, and you realize you're the first to have seen this in thousands of years..."

"Sounds lonely," he said.

"Yes," she replied, after a time. "Perhaps there are... other things I should learn to appreciate."

Their eyes met, and the gaze lasted just long enough that Liara turned shy. Joker couldn't resist a nudge. "You're turning purple," he said.

Liara's hands flew to her cheeks. "Oh, I am _not-_"

Joker laughed, but the sound was soon covered by the opening airlock, and two familiar voices raised to unfamiliar volume. It was, to Joker's amusement, Wrex and Tali, looking like they'd been taking full advantage of their time onshore. He was the one to shake his head and smile this time.

"Speaking of," he said to Liara. "Looks like you missed the party."

"Oh, I don't know," she replied. "This place still has its charms."

She rose from her seat, and to his surprise, her fingertips brushed the back of his headrest when she left. It wasn't quite a touch... but almost. Joker watched her as she walked away.

"Getting ideas?" Wrex's gruff voice greeted him.

"No, sir," Joker said, deadpan. "Just... enjoying the scenery."

"It is beautiful," Tali said wistfully.

It took Joker a second to catch up, but she was looking forward: out the ship's windows to the span of the Citadel beyond. Joker leaned back, watching the lights gleam. Liara had spoken of new vistas and rediscovered glories, and as he thought of all the things he'd seen from this very vantage point, from planet rises to the distant fires of supernovas, he had to admit he understood.

"Yeah," he said. His hands rested on the controls, at the ready. "Yeah, it is."

...

_The Wards, 17:18: at the vantage point_

And under the expanse of the same Citadel lightscape, a conversation was winding to a close.

Ashley hadn't expected it to go quite _this_ direction. What she'd expected was for Kaidan to comment on the view, maybe adding something like _Really gives you a sense of the responsibility we hold,_ or _The beauty of it all is inspiring_, or at the very least _Makes you feel awfully small, doesn't it?_ (to which she undoubtedly would've made a crack about the volus), but what he said was, "Guess we're not really meant to be sightseeing anymore, are we."

She listened to the chatter around them. It was obvious what Kaidan was getting at, and the brewed-up giggle in her voice died down. "They've got no idea what's coming," she murmured, with a sideways glance at the crowd.

"If we do our job, they won't have to."

The words sounded suspiciously practiced. "Been rehearsing your comebacks there, L.T.?"

He looked like he was thinking about it, but the eventual reply - spoken to the city lights - sounded like he was coming to a conclusion. "Some of us," he said, "actually believe this stuff."

Ashley leaned on the wall, looking upwards. Ships sped past, their engines dopplering out of range only to be overtaken by another roar, and another, and another. She listened to it all blur together and said, "Yeah, I guess so."

_And what do I believe in, then?_ she thought, almost despite herself. _God, my family, the eternal certainty of life and death..._

"What was that?"

Ashley realized she'd been mumbling it aloud. _...and the fact that I have really got to quit drinking Elysium Ale in public._ She cleared her throat. "Nothing."

Kaidan, mercifully, was off on his own tangent, musing over something she couldn't quite touch. "I'm not sure I ever saw this coming when I joined up. I figured I'd do my part, you know... do whatever I could for our reputation in the galaxy at large. But..."

She caught up. "Never figured anyone would trust you with _saving_ the galaxy at large, huh?"

"You could say that."

Ashley shook her head. "I never thought I'd figure much in the big picture, either. I mean, I wanted to. It's just that my family's not-" She cut herself off. Kaidan was looking on curiously, and she didn't want him prying just now. Besides, everyone might claim that biotics couldn't actually read thoughts, but as loudly as she felt like she was thinking, she wasn't going to leave anything to chance. She tried to start over.

"I wasn't looking for glory," she said after a while. "I just wanted to prove myself."

"And kick some alien ass while doing it?"

"You bet _your_ ass, L.T."

"Just be sure to kick the right ones."

"I think I've figured out that much by now."

Kaidan was giving her a knowing look, which she ignored. It was hard not to have noticed that she had the most... decisive opinions on aliens amongst the team, but fortunately no one was being too obnoxious about it. The Normandy's crew seemed to be the least judgmental all-around of any squad she'd served with. They'd even accepted her without any fuss about her background. Ashley still wasn't quite sure how to take that.

As unorthodox as it was, this lot was starting to feel like...

"It's probably time to get back," Kaidan said, interrupting her train of thought. Ashley sighed and rolled her head to loosen stiff muscles. She had the feeling that if she stayed put for much longer, she'd fuse to the railing, but she wasn't quite ready to leave just yet, either. Something felt unsettled.

"Give me just a minute," she said.

"Is something wrong?"

Above them, lights winked; the cascade of traffic went on, oblivious. Ashley listened to the crowd again, and the music snaking back toward them from the club they'd just left. Someone, somewhere, was laughing. "No."

"Good. You know..."

The pause lingered. "What?"

"Just something I was thinking of. I've had a lot of... well, not doubts, but worries, about all this. It's just that there's so much we don't know yet. But I'm really beginning to think we're going to pull this mission off."

Ashley's eternal confidence reasserted itself. "What, you just now figured out that we're all intergalactic badasses?"

"Hah. No, _that_ I'd figured out." He nudged her, grinning a little. "But... right now... something's turned around, I think. I really feel like we're going to make it though."

"All of us?"

She hadn't meant to sound shaky. Damned ale. Kaidan gave her a smile, though, and reached over with one hand. "What do _you_ think?"

She meant to come back with a sharp retort, but instead she lingered over it. What did she really think, when it came right down to it? What _did_ she believe?

_I believe in family,_ she thought again, not caring now if she slipped into saying it aloud, or if he could hear it any other way. _And right now, whether that family is scaly or masked or blue or someone I love and can't do anything about, or if it's someone I'll never see again, or my sisters, or even if it's... I know what we're up against, and if we're going to get through this, I'll take what I can get._

Kaidan didn't say anything, but his fingers motioned just a little to hers, like he was making a hint. She paused. Rules and regs and fraternization and... oh, to _hell_ with it. She leaned just a little closer to him, and took a deep breath.

And under the massive expanse of the galaxy, bright and dark and waiting for them all, she reached out too, closed her eyes, and held on.


End file.
